Recently I read an account of Sania Nehwal’s childhood struggles before she went on to become the sports star she is today. The article described how every morning, the groggy child used to be shunted back and forth from home to badminton courts to school, day after day, by her determined parents, en route to eventual greatness and glory. It would be no surprise if it turns out that her parents at some point then had been censured by the neighbors and relatives who witnessed this, as being cruel and pushy. Why don’t you let the poor child sleep or play with her friends instead of dashing her off to her next practice session, I am sure they were asked. Of course, today years later when the hard work and dedication has paid off, no one has any complaints. Instead generous platitudes are doled out for the sacrificing middle class parents who molded their child into a champion.
So why am I talking of all this? Because like many conundrums that parenting presents, this too is a challenging question almost all modern day parents grapple with – how much a kid should be pushed? What qualifies as a gentle nudge and what as a shove? How do you determine what amount of pressure to apply on a kid before she reaches snapping point? And like many parents (I suppose), as I learn and fumble my way through it, here is an attempt to take a good look at the question and present my thoughts.
Before I begin, I would have to hark back to my own childhood. As a child, I ventured to do a lot of things but my biggest (self-inflicted) problem was that I gave up too soon. Even at the age of three, when it was painfully obvious that I was no good at sports, the question of my pursuing any activity that involved even remote physical strain was quietly put to rest. Later my parents were delighted when I enrolled into a dance class out of my own interest, but to their dismay, I abruptly discontinued it in a few months of joining, not wanting to ‘waste’ (as I’d called it then) my precious Sunday mornings. I soon dabbled in music, but again did not bother to continue the pursuit for long. Later as a teen I tried to foray into painting, learning French, Keyboard and various other endeavors, but nothing lasted long enough. Today when I look back at those years, strewn with more incomplete and failed attempts than I could care to count, who is to be blamed? Was it just me, or do I think my parents were responsible too – at least partly, for letting me give up easily? Tomorrow, will I be to blame if my children were to find themselves without adequate exposure, ill-equipped to survive in an increasingly competitive world?
My quest to find answers led me to some interesting data.
Let me start with the oft-referenced book, “Outliers” purporting the 10K-hours theory. My idea here is to not establish or counter the sanctity of the number 10000, but I think the emphasis needs to be on the undeniable fact that a lot of hard work and dedication is a must for someone to become really good at something and gain confidence. I like the way Mindy Kaling (who is not yet well-known in her ancestral country, I should admit) so succinctly put it in her book, “Work hard, know your s**t, show your s**t, and then feel entitled“ So if we were indeed to go by the 10K theory, and do the Math, it turns out to be roughly 2 hours of effort per day in any pursuit, every single day from the age of four before one becomes really good at it by the age twenty. Wow, now that is something!
Let us turn our attention to another facet – via the graph below.
(Courtesy: www.quora.com)
The author points out that any new pursuit, beyond one point, starts to challenge the learner – be it a child or an adult. Once the challenging downtrend and trough is crossed, it is a fun learning-time again till we start to plateau. And once we stave off boredom and lethargy in the plateau phase and reach inflection point, it is upward trend again. I think it is important to remember this. Another way this is represented, is via this picture
(Courtesy: ‘Work, Enjoyment and Progress’ by R. L. Kashyap)
And let me reiterate, we are not talking of chasing success here. The operative word is excellence (this word being subjective, in my vocabulary I have defined it as doing our best in whatever we do) Success (including recognition, rewards, remuneration) often follows, as the by-product of a job well done. In fact I suppose this is what Satya Nadella was trying to imply when he ended up using this (rather incorrectly) in a corporate context.
Even as these numbers and theories boggle us, it is clear that children are not equipped to undertake this journey to excellence on their own. Parents are and should be their equal partners. And this means as much dedication and sacrifice is expected from the parents’ side, if not more.
So what defines my own parenting principles? I try to remember all of the above, and do the following:
- Assess what interests the kids and where their talent may lie (I believe in exposing children to a variety of things for a while before discovering these. V believes in choosing one pursuit and focusing all energies there. He doesn’t want to spread them thin across multiple areas. Of course, we are yet to find a culminating point in our seemingly opposing theories and do have a bit of a tussle there)
- Provide the supporting infrastructure and stand by them. If it means staying up to help them practice their abacus, or sacrificing the mall visits and movies to attend their weekend cricket practice instead, do it. Nothing signals commitment better than your own committed actions
- Teach them that hurdles are a way of nature to test their interest and commitment. I have discussed the above principles (after simplifying them, of course) with the kids and remind them that every time they stick to their pursuit and try not to take the easy way out, nature keeps a count to reward them later.
- Remember that moderation is the key. For every (or a few) intensive hard-work session a child puts in, she deserves a break. There always needs to be balance. Hard work and periods of break should be interspersed. Frequency and duration is, of course, subjective. More on this in the last few lines.
- Finally, stop, if a pursuit seems to drain more than it helps. If only tears and heartbreaks remain at the end of many, many attempts, it is time to let go.
Most importantly, I try and make myself impervious to the judgement others callously pass, sitting on their high horses.
In conclusion,
We all have heard the common refrain – “let the child be”
Yes. A child needs to be. She needs unstructured playtime as much as disciplined classes. She needs to be indulged with her favorite cartoon show at times, and an occasional unhealthy pizza also, perhaps. But that too does not answer the main question – just how much is enough and how much is too much?
The answer, I believe, lies not in any parenting manual or the friendly neighbor’s advice, but inside my own head; in my beliefs and in my instincts And only in there, does it lie. I do not have control over how successful my kids turn out in future or how they rate my parenting efforts, but what I do know is I will be secure in the knowledge that at every point, all I ever did was give it my best.
gvsafamily 